for years I carried that anger around with me. it manifested itself in so many different forms but I just added it to my backpack of emotions. I pushed away so many women who tried to help step in and take care of me. looking back it’s crazy how much love I rejected from so many amazing people. my heart just wansn’t wanting that from someone else. you know why? I didn’t feel like I experienced it with my own mom - so why would anyone else love me?
the one thing that was the most damaging for my relationship with food was being handed a list of foods that are ‘approved’ which for most folks makes them fall into the ‘good or bad’ category which can really play tricks with our minds…. and I’ll say it a million times. your body isn’t like mine and what works for one or a few most definitely won’t work for all. we are such unique humans and our needs are so very different.
when things were really rough last year this became my go to when I wanted to spend some time on food but not a TON of time. that moving wakling meditation in the kitchen was always what kept me sane and even if it was the same dish a few times over and over again - my heart needed that time to fill up with that good energy we need to keep going.
I was yours and you were mine. in that one moment he became a grandfather and I became a mother. I didn’t know the meaning of that quite yet. but I felt you in my heart. the little bean inside of my belly that had survived being poked and prodded. you proved from day one that you are a hardcore dude.
I would be up at 4am to work out for two hours sometimes before work and forward facing things looked great. a healthy diet, tons of kombucha and green juice, weight loss happening but on the inside all I wanted was a blanket and a nap. I now look back at my Facebook memories and get sad… always posting about how I was up all night or up early to get all the things done. but not much about nurturing myself or the connections I wanted to make with people.
in my brain - this was a no-brainer. to everyone around me? it was not obvious. family members didn’t understand - friends at the time couldn’t comprehend the idea of me loosing traction on something I had worked so hard to build. my husband supported it - but was frustrated at the time with the idea of life being disrupted again.
I've mentioned this quite a few times. I've talked with so many of you who are feeling weighed down by your mess and the feeling that you can't be honest with yourself and others. that you don't want to show those messy bits of yourself to the world. you hide away because you feel like it's what you have to do to feel safe and protected.