on being open to evolution...
today while we were on the way to our family therapy session mikah and I had a moment. in getting everything organized for this space I have really had to do some deep diving into the past. which, as you can imagine hasn’t been the easiest thing to do and it has forced me to do some intense reflection on the past.
to be expected - when reflecting on these moments so many of them revolve around points of hurt. none of this process for us has been easy.. and if you’ve been here for awhile you know this time last year was not the easiest for any of us in our home.
as we sat at a red light I looked over at her and saw a shimmer of confidence I hadn’t noticed yet. she has had a rough week with a close friend and a year ago this would have torn her apart. we would have ended up in the hospital or searching for her in the streets. but this time? this was totally different.
she has faced the conflict with so much level headedness that it has been blowing phil and I away. the thing I have been trying to teach her is to value her emotions, protect her heart and to take no shit for the sake of a relationship. sometimes as a mom you rattle these lessons off while telling stories of your past hurt as examples, but you never really know if it is falling upon deaf ears.
yesterday was a slow monday - she was feeling frustrated and we had that exact conversations about putting yourself and your feelings/heart first. she laid sideways on the bed wishing that life was different and she could talk this person into apologizing. I softly explained that more often than not in life, we can talk till we are blue in the face and more often than not we will not get the apology we are after. there was a nod of acknowledgement and a swift shifting of gears into what color lipstick we should wear. typical.
but here is the magic - a year ago she would not have been this open with me. she would have been hiding her emotions and letting them feed her cutting, taking drugs or running away. it would be the fuel for her fire and she would be using it like gasoline to make the wrong choices.
but now? she is really growing - learning - feeling - being. all of the things that we sometimes have to train ourselves to do as adults she is really trying to do now. it takes my breath away.
so at the red light I simply said, “you know, I thought we were close a year ago. I don’t think I fully understood what the meaning behind that was, but I feel that now. thank you for opening your heart to me”.
and then I started crying. again. typical.
she threw one of her token small smiles my way and said, “mom, I know, and I’m glad I can make you cry because you are happy. not sad”.
every hurt that came up with what we are sharing slowly here was erased in that moment. all the hard work, crying, searching in the streets and chasing her down the road with no shoes on when she would run suddenly became so worth it… even more so than it was before.
keep your heart open - stay vulnerable and authentic to you. I promise, as it becomes easier some really good stuff will start to happen.