a love letter to my son...
I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I had gone to the state fair with my friend and gone on my first upside down ride. at nearly 15 I had never been on a loopy right or anything of the sort and I felt like this day was the day that I could finally face my fear. by this time in my life I had already done plenty of drugs, had sex, ran away from home 8,000 times and broken your grandfathers heart more times than I wish to count.
so what was a little action on the ring of fire to a badass like me?
shortly after I returned home from the fair I found myself in indescribable pain. I wasn’t too sure what was going on and had assumed that my body was having a reaction to being upside down. logical right?
your grandpa rushed me to the hospital. our relationship at that point was strained. he hated my boyfriend, hated my way of life and wanted me to finally clean myself up. but in that moment all he could see was his fearful daughter in pain. no chips on the shoulders - just love.
blood work - cups of bodily fluids and tons of hot blankets for hours. it felt like I was in the show ER which was super popular at the time. you have no idea what it is but it’s like an old persons version of greys anatomy. I kept expecting george clooney to come around the corner to diagnose me. clearly I was loopy from the pain medicine they had given me to dull the sharp ache in my belly.
finally an ultrasound told us what was going on.. kind of. you see, I had a cyst in my fallopian tube that was ready to rupture. like most cysts or tumors it was the size of a orange. they shifted it around and I could see the look on the ultrasound techs face change. I didn’t know what was going on and the thought of a little human being inside of me really hadn’t crossed my mind.
you see - your biological father had moved away a month prior and I was single and ready to mingle. we had one last fling before I assumed that I was finally kissing a year of abuse at a young age away. yep, it started that early. I kept running from the loving arms of your grandpa to a dirty room five minutes away where I would be learning what love was from the one person who shouldn’t have been showing me.
I thought I was free. clean break.
the nurse came in and looked at your grandpa and I. I just remember the room feeling so cold and dark. he was sitting so far away from me and I just remember wanting to hug him because I was so scared. the words pregnant came out of her mouth and I was beside myself. but she assured me that the chances of you surviving the surgery I needed to be rid of my cyst were slim. they told me to not get too attached to the idea of having a viable pregnancy by the time I woke up.
I felt a sense of relief. the sense that I had dodged a bullet. now I don’t mention this to make you feel bad you have to understand my mind at 15 wasn’t quite healthy enough to comprehend what it really meant to have a child. I just thought man, I am going to get my life together after this moment.
the room got colder and I could feel your grandfather looking at me. arms crossed and lips pursed. I was crying and I wasn’t too sure why. at one point I remember trying to pull my catheter out so I could run away from the hospital because it all felt like too much. after the struggle it was time.
I woke from the surgery groggy, in pain everywhere and I remember feeling like my heart was finally starting to break for the tiny human I felt like I had already lost. I was so ready to see you go that my irrational mind took over before my heart because I was scared of what this new reality could mean for me.
I could hardly focus when I felt my bed moving, shifting and whirring down the hall. the bright lights above me reminded me of all the hours I spent in the hospital with the grandmother you never got to know. as I was brought into a dimmer room I felt a hand on my shoulder. it was your grandfather. still upset but with a relieved look on his face. I remember putting my hand on his - it was looking aged. I wondered how much I had to do with that. in that moment of clarity I felt like my antics might be over finally. then he said the words I wasn’t expecting.
you still have a baby.
I was yours and you were mine. in that one moment he became a grandfather and I became a mother. I didn’t know the meaning of that quite yet. but I felt you in my heart. the little bean inside of my belly that had survived being poked and prodded. you proved from day one that you are a hardcore dude.
so michael. mike. moo. I love you. we went through it together. I say it every year - thank you for saving me and giving my life meaning. I know this journey hasn’t always been the best but I hope you’ve felt all along the way that I have put you before everything in my life. you saw so much growing up and I wish I could wipe those memories from your brain but you were there to be my right hand man when I needed you. you grew up far faster than you should have.
but. I love you my moo. to the moon and back again. today is about you and you are my all. my heart. thank you for growing up with me and teaching me patience at such a young age.
to growing up - growing old and forever loving you from day one.